I’ve lost track of time in the last two days. I’ve spent some time at the hospital with Becky. Rick has spent much more time there. We go, come back, Rick goes again, comes back…between the repeat visits to the hospital and the shorter days here (the sun goes down a full 15 minutes earlier in Western Massachusetts than it does in Brooklyn, I swear), there is a lot of sleep at odd hours. I sent Rick to bed at about 7:30 because he was sleeping in a chair and almost fell out of it.

It’s a lot of ups and downs here. Rick was told early Wednesday morning that she probably wouldn’t make it. A few hours later, and the supervisory doctor said no, they would keep her on antibiotics and observe her for a while. Yesterday afternoon, she seemed to be failing again. This morning, Rick went to the hospital with Becky’s husband to put Becky on “comfort measures,” which basically means to take her off the machines and everything, and the doctor says that the x-ray is a little better (it ain’t great, by any means – she’s got abscesses in her lungs in addition to the pneumonia), and everyone should just wait until Monday morning when her attending is back on the floor. When we went this afternoon, her hands were cold again and her vitals were down again as well. I can see the roller-coaster taking its toll on Rick and everyone else, and I can feel how easy it is to fall into thinking that warmer hands or slightly improved vital signs are a sign of improvement, because that’s all we’ve got. But although Rick and I talk to her when we’re in the room with her, and although I did her hair last night with some ribbons their mom sent over, it doesn’t really feel like Becky’s in the room with us.

We just keep putting one foot in front of the other…

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