Must be the full moon March 25, 2008 ~ 10:42 am
Posted by Julie in : Uncategorized , trackbackI am going through a period of time that I am just going to start calling “The Weirdness.” Because there is no other way to describe it and all the emotions that go along with it.
Rick’s mom is not doing well - I haven’t seen her in a couple of months again, so it’s easy for me to tell myself that she’s better than she apparently is. She’s depressed from losing two of her kids in the past year, she’s not managing her diabetes like she should and ended up in the ER with a sore on her foot last week. Her health isn’t great, and she is relying on Rick a lot. His stepfather is also not doing well, so Rick feels a lot of pressure to be up there.
Unfortunately, we’re at two months before Commencement, so there is no way I can go up there to be with him. I have had major deadlines at work, I have a pile of degree audits on my desk that are waiting to be done, the phones ring non-stop with questions about degrees and students, and oh my god, at the end of the day I just want to put my head down and sleep through the headaches that days like this give me. I just have to keep telling myself “May 29, and then this is over.”
This happens every year, the stress, teeth grinding, headaches, and exhaustion that accompany Commencement. But on top of this, one of the women in my office was diagnosed with cancer a month or so ago. We were told that it was very bad, and then last week we were told that she was being moved to a hospice, and then on Sunday I got a voicemail from one of the other ladies I work with letting me know that the woman with cancer had passed. I’m still not sure how to deal with this. I worked with this woman for six and a half years. She was a nice person, good with the students, had some great stories, and we got along well for the most part although there were some downsides to being her supervisor as well. But I have this thing about becoming friendly out of the office with the people I work with at Some College. I just don’t do it. I have another life, and so do they. So how do I reconcile the fact that someone I worked with for all that time is now gone? If it were a friend or a family member, I would know how to deal with it. But in this situation, I am just kind of numb. It’s affecting me, but I’m still not sure how.
There are other things going on as well. My student loan payments went up by over $100 a month and that is a big thing to get used to. I have friends that are having their own issues to deal with, and I feel like I should be there for them, and I should be there more for Rick as well, but I am teetering on the edge of a depression and am not in such a great place to be supportive of other people. One minute I am fine and everything is good, and the next I am an automaton with a million thoughts rushing through my mind that I can’t even sort through. I need to find my balance again so that I can be there for the other people in my life who need to find theirs.
Comments
I think you are correct in needing to find your balance.
I don’t believe there is anything to prepare us for the loss of people who are in our sphere outside of our families. There is no historical time line to temper it, they are just there and then they are not. In my own experience it always seems a little “too close” and perhaps I’m just relating it to, “it could have been me”.
Surely, in time, you will find your solid ground again.
I know what you mean about co-workers. I lost one of my employees to a drunk driving accident and it was very hard. I attended the calling hours and funeral, which was all I could really do. I still miss her. I guess the best thing is to say some prayers for her.
Be there as much as you can for Rick. When demands on my time and emotions get too tough, I reduce my circle and concentrate on those immediately near me that need it. Sounds selfish, but there it is. I think Rick has to come first. If you have time for friends, great.
That being said, anything you need, let me know. Hard to give support over long distances, but you get whatever I can give. That’s what friends do.
I totally agree with you–you need to be on balance yourself before you’re any good to others on an emotional level. It’s tough to find that balance when you’re so busy you don’t have two minutes to rub together, but it might help to set yourself aside some time just for you. That might help you recharge so you can be more supportive to the others that need you.
In my family we call it finding your happy medium. It’s not an easy thing to do, especially when you feel like you are being pulled apart in a million directions. I feel for you.
I know this sounds really cliche/corny/stupid/whatever, but sit down and make a list of your priorities. Make sure your name is in slot #1 and then work your way down from there. Then tackle that list in that order. I find that when I write that kind of stuff down, it becomes less overwhelming because it becomes tangible instead of swirling around in my head making me crazy.
HUGS!!