Dear Soon-to-be-Former President Asshat~

We’ve had some fun times over the last eight years, haven’t we? Like that time that you had intelligence about terrorists planning a massive attack on US soil and you didn’t do anything and as a result thousands died and a large hole was left in my city’s skyline and heart? That was awesome, especially when you didn’t show up to see how we were doing for days afterwards. Oooh, or how about that one time when there was a massive hurricane, and it left thousands more dead and millions homeless, and you praised your friend “Brownie” for the wonderful job he was doing while another city was dying before our eyes? That was a hell of a party, but as I recall you were late to that one, too. Or how about these fun wars you’ve gotten us into halfway around the world? The ones that cost…hey, thousands of lives again, I’m sensing a trend, how about you? Man, it’s been a blast, hasn’t it?

And now the whole country is celebrating, huge parties are going on practically right outside your windows, and those bastards didn’t even invite you! How rude can you get? I feel badly about that, G Dub, really I do. Well, actually, I feel badly that those parties didn’t happen four years ago…no, wait, I feel badly that those parties didn’t happen eight years ago. I know it would have been a little hard to celebrate you leaving office if you hadn’t ever taken office, but what the hell. If you had never taken office, those thousands of people might still be alive, and the rest of us might not be broke, unemployed, in danger of losing our houses, and losing money hand over fist on our retirement packages, that is, those of us who still have them.

But that didn’t happen, and we’ve had to look at your little monkey face and listen to your good ol’ boy accent (dude, seriously, where’d you get that? I know your parents don’t talk like that!) until I wanted to throw things at the TV. Sometimes I did throw things at the TV, actually. I’m just lucky I always remembered to throw something soft like a sock, and not a shoe or a brick. This country has become hated across the planet, and there were a lot of times when I was more than a little ashamed to admit that I was an American. All because of you, Asshat. That is one hell of a legacy you’re leaving behind, isn’t it?

In seventeen or so hours (not that I’m counting down or anything), you will leave office and another man will take your place. I worked for that man’s campaign, I gave him my votes in the primary and the general election, I contributed to his campaign. I have never wanted anything more than I wanted him to be in office, and because of that, tomorrow’s a little like a second Christmas for me. You see, every time I hear that man speak, I am calmed. I am comforted. I am uplifted. I am inspired. I see a man who is more intelligent than I am poised to lead us, and I am glad of it. I never wanted someone I could go drink with as my President. That’s what I have friends for. I wanted someone who could look at a situation from every angle and decide what was best for this country based on a rational decision, not just what he felt like doing in that second. I get that tomorrow. I wanted someone who understood technology instead of fearing it. I get that tomorrow – someone who not only understands it but uses it on a daily basis. I wanted someone who cared what I thought. Me and the millions of people like me, who are supposed to be represented by him. I get that tomorrow, too. I feel like I just won the goddamned lottery. All the things that I was supposed to have eight years ago, I finally get. Tomorrow. It’s almost enough to make you break into song like a certain redheaded orphan, but I won’t.

Tonight I raise a beer to you, Asshat. Not because I like you or anything you’ve done, not because I feel sorry for you, but because in seventeen or so hours, this country can start to move forward. We are in shit because you put us here, but I think we’ll come out of it stronger. At least, that’s what I hope. It’s nice to have hope again.

Enjoy your last night in the White House, Asshat. I have many wishes and hopes for your future, but since none of them are nice and this is my last letter to you, I’ll keep them to myself. Catch you on the flip side.

Julie

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