Category: Deep Thoughts


You know you just said that in a Bill Murray voice, don’t deny it.

It’s amazing how much the little rodent not seeing his shadow this morning has raised my spirits. I know we haven’t had a particularly cold or snowy winter in this part of the States, but the coming of spring always makes me happy. When I was a freshman in college, I had a particularly awful first bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder/anxiety attacks that almost incapacitated me before I got medication for it. The only thing that got me through was counting down the days to Spring Break, and in some form or another I have always held onto that habit.

Becoming Wiccan really helped with the need to countdown to Spring. All of the Pagan holidays are about the progression of seasons, and today, Imbolc, is one of my favorites. The Goddess has given birth to the Sun God and is recovering – in other words, it’s still winter, but we know that Spring and the Sun are returning to us. The days are getting longer, and it’s no longer dark when we leave work. The signs of Spring are here, whether the groundhog sees them or not. Since I’ve learned all this? Julie is a happy little Pagan. I hope you’re just as happy today.

Mulberry sleeps
Mulberry hibernates ~ Lake Hill, NY

Today is one of my favorite holidays for the whole year: Yule, or the Winter Solstice. Today is the shortest day of the year. Tomorrow, even though we won’t notice it, the light starts coming back a little each day. To someone who struggles with Seasonal Affective Disorder as I do, the knowledge that we’re getting an extra tiny little bit of precious sunlight is manna from heaven. It’s something to hold onto when it seems like it’s been dark outside forever. In reality, I think that’s what all of the holidays this time are about: the return of the light, and the presence of it even in the darkness. That’s really why we throw ourselves into the whole “decorate your house in a blinding array of Christmas lights” thing. To stave off the darkness. That’s why I leave my Christmas lights up far after Little Christmas is over – because winter without the lights is just too bleak for my tastes.

Tonight, to celebrate the Solstice, Jordana and I are going to a Solstice party at our favorite yarn store in the city. There will be wine, food, singing, and lots and lots of yarn. And who can pass up that kind of a celebration?

Happy Solstice, everyone.

A short post today, because everything I could say about this man is not nearly enough. We miss you, John.

John Lennon

Saturday my friend Jordana and I were sitting around, kicking stories back and forth for our book, and somehow got to talking about our friend Jessie, who became a mother a week and a half ago. Jordana said that she had seen Jessie and she looked radiant and the baby was adorable. I said “And now you really want one, right?” because I knew that she and Thabs had been talking about it. She replied, “Well, a bit more than that.” “You’re pregnant?!?” I said in disbelief. She nodded, and I shrieked. At least I guess I shrieked, because the other people in the coffeehouse looked at me funny. She then told me that she was just past three months and had wanted to tell me for ages, but there’s that whole superstition about not saying anything before the first timester was over. And that I was the first person outside the family she’d told, and would I think about being the baby’s godmother?

Would I? What the hell kind of a stupid question was that? Of course I would. I even cried a little. I haven’t cried for joy like that…well, since the Steelers won the Super Bowl last year.

Somehow, I feel like we’re crossing a bridge here. One of my best friends from college, Dawn, is due to have her first child on January 7. Jordana is due in early June. My friends are having babies and I guess we’re growing up.

One could say at this point (and I know that one of you will) “But Rick has kids! This isn’t exactly a new thing.” One would be right, in a sense. One would be an unsufferable git in another sense and completely missing the point. Yes, Rick has kids. Those kids were born when I was 14 and 17, respectively. It’s not quite the same as when people your own age start having kids. I have a friend who had a child when she was 20, but that didn’t feel the same, either. We all knew she was young to be having a kid. There was no judgement, but neither was there a sense that “Hey, the rest of us could just as easily be mothers.” The two women who are pregnant now are old friends of mine. They have been through some intense years of change with me, and I’m close to them as a result. And the fact that I am now old enough to be a godmother? That means that HOLY SHIT, I’m old enough to be a mother.

Do not EVEN start. That is SO not going to happen any time soon.

My first act as godmother will be to get my godbaby a good book for bedtime reading. This is the book: Why Mommy Is a Democrat. Hey, part of being a godparent is looking out for the kid and helping to raise it to be a good person. Well, this baby is going to be raised right left!

Berry Pond ~ Pittsfield, MA

We are, as of Thursday, exactly two weeks away from my new contract kicking in. This means that on October 12, Julie will be getting a nice big check that includes retro pay from the past four years. Well, sorta. 2% of the raise apparently goes right into my union’s welfare fund and we never see it. And since the retro pay and the regular paycheck are combined into one, I’m going to get slammed on taxes. Hopefully I’ll see some of it back in February…I can never remember if I’m supposed to have my Withholding set to ’0′ or ’1′ to get that. Anyway, the retro money is going to be used to pay down (or maybe off, depending on how much I get) my credit card bills. I keep telling myself that this is the responsible way to be, that if I pay off the credit cards I’ll have more money every month and I will be able to afford that new 80 GB iPod soon. Julie does not like being responsible when she wants a new fun toy, so this is also a test of willpower. It kinda sucks.

I was thinking a few weekends back what a luxury it must be to have all the money you need to pay off bills each month and then money leftover to buy things that you want without even thinking about it. I’ve never had that kind of money. I’ll grant you, I have enough cash to make more than the minimum payment on my credit cards and pay the utilities, the rent, and the student loan payment with a bit left over, but I blow through that bit left over like no one’s business. I like to buy new books. I enjoy getting new clothes. I hit yarn stores fairly regularly. I even cop to going to the drugstore to get fun toiletries like John Frieda Vibrant Red color glaze. But in the grand scheme of things, these are little. What would it be like to be able to buy furniture if I wanted it, without having to forego my little expenditures? I’ve been needing a new dresser and nightstand for ages, but I don’t have the money necessary to get them. So, like most people, I go without the bigger items.

I know that if I lived anywhere in the country but New York City, my salary would allow me to have the luxuries. I would be able to buy a house, a car, all sorts of things. But I love where I live too much to leave it. This is a city where if you make less than $50K, you’re below the poverty line. I can’t think of one person I know in New York who makes $50K (okay, wait, I can, but she doesn’t count since she’s not a friend, merely someone I have to associate with on occasion). Several of us (myself included) are closing in on it, but we’re not there yet. Is it because we don’t have the extra money that we view it as security? It’s not all-consuming for me, since I do have a certain amount of disposable income, but I do spend a decent amount of time thinking about it. I know I’m not alone on this one, since many of us are living paycheck to paycheck and/or in debt.

What do you guys think about this? Is money security for you, or could you care less? What would do if you had all the money necessary for bills and a lot left over every month? Would you spend it? Put it in savings? Invest? What?

Something that worries me: they’re actually announcing on the radio that the air will be unsafe to go out in from noon until 6 PM today because of smog and ozone and all sorts of nasty things mixing.  I believe the exact words were “Stay inside where it’s airconditioned.”  While I had fully intended to do so, I’m worried that the air is actually unsafe to be out in.  What the hell have we done to this planet?  And how long before it goes from one afternoon where it’s unsafe to be out breathing to days, weeks, months, years of it?  And how long until we get some leaders in this country who understand the importance of the Kyoto Protocol and why we should be abiding by it?

In other news, it’s August 1. That means it’s Joe Elliott’s birthday.  That also means it’s another Joe’s birthday.  While my mom swears that the cat’s birthday is in September (how the hell would she know, we didn’t have him when he was born), I figure if he’s named after Joe Elliott, he can have Joe Elliott’s birthday, too.  Happy birthday, Joey!  As near as I can figure, you’re like 15 now.  That’s pretty old, but you don’t show any signs of slowing down so we’re not too worried.

 


“I believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival,” John Adams wrote his wife, Abigail. “It ought to be celebrated by pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward, forever more.”

John was a little off, as the day he was referring to was July 2, the day that the Second Continental Congress approved the Lee Resolution: “Resolved, That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved.” I guess we can’t blame him, who the hell would have thought it would take another two days to produce a final draft of a Declaration of Independence? (Really, who would have predicted that argument over deep sea fishing rights?)

I think about the men who debated and signed that Declaration 230 years ago. I think, as I sit in shorts and a tank top in my airconditioned living room, about how they sweltered in their heavy clothes in July, most of the time with the windows shut so no one could hear that they were discussing treason. I think about their different backgrounds and different concerns, and how they were able to pull together and create a new country. I think about the army they created out of common men, and how those common men through sheer willpower rose up and beat the most powerful military force in the world. And I think about what has happened in the 230 years since they declared our independence from King George III. Would those men be happy with the direction their fledgling country has taken? I think for large parts of our history, the answer would be yes. I think that for the last 6 years, the answer would be no. What did they start all those years ago? What is America? View full article »

Theater facade ~ W. 44th St.

The changes, they are coming.  Last night I went to Barnes & Noble.com and ordered an overdue birthday gift.  While I was there, I checked out Barnes & Noble University, which is absolutely free (the books cost money, the classes don’t).  And I hit on a course called Writing Fiction with the Gotham Writers’ Workshop.  And I signed up for it.  I’ve got nothing to lose, and it might get some creative juices going.  I’m a writer, it’s time to use that part of me.  I also signed up for a Backyard Stargazing course, just for kicks.  For years I’ve wanted to know more constellations than Orion and the Big Dipper, so I’m going to learn.  Small, baby steps, but steps to connecting with the parts of me I’ve been neglecting because it’s easier to come home from work and veg than do anything.

It’s a start.

Bear torture ~ W. 44th St.

There are so many things tumbling through my head lately. Posts, half-posts, partial-posts, non-posts. Thoughts about my future, my career, what the hell I’m doing with my life (or not doing, as the case may be). If we’ve been given talents (and I do believe I’ve been given several, call me vain), then isn’t it our responsibility to use them? It’s so easy to drift through life and just let things happen to you – that’s how I’ve gotten this far in life. Opportunities seem to drop in my lap when I need them, and although I do work to make things happen I have this nagging feeling that I don’t work hard enough. It’s something that I think about often, my coasting through life.

I was listening to Queen this weekend and it hit me: two months after Freddie Mercury turned 29, Queen released A Night At the Opera. That means when he was my age, he was composing and recording “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Can you fucking imagine that, bringing that masterpiece into being at age 28? And by that point, Queen had already released three other albums. It’s inspiring, and it sets a high bar for anyone who wants to do something with their talent. And here I sit at a desk, graduating students who don’t understand what a diploma means. That’s sobering.

I had a dream shortly before my 22nd birthday, in which I was in a limo with Joe Elliott and Freddie Mercury, and we were talking about careers. Right before I woke up, Joe said to me “There will be plenty of time to sit still later. Now’s the time to excel.” I got the tattoo I have, a merging of Def Leppard cover art, to remind me of that dream. Now I have to act on it.

Happy Solstice

Well, I planned to write this at the exact moment of the Solstice, which according to my Queer Eye For the Straight Guy daily calendar was 1:35 PM, but at that moment I was working on knitting my first sock. So, plan B. I write this as it starts to get dark.

It’s the Winter Solstice, ladies and gents. It is the shortest day of the year, the longest night of the year. Rick wished me a “Happy First Day of Winter” earlier, but given how much I hate winter, I corrected him. I told him to wish me a Happy Solstice or a Happy Yule. Because those two words mean that it’s always darkest before the dawn. No matter how cold it gets from here on out, tomorrow starts the return of the light. Each day will get a little longer. And while the cold irritates me to no end, I think the real reason my temper is on a short leash is the lack of daylight. I am stuck in an office while the sun shines, and I resent coming home in the dark. But after today, minute by minute, my friend the light will return.

Blessed be.

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