Staring down the barrel January 24, 2005 ~ 11:36 am
Posted by Julie in : Daily Grind , comments closedDepression has really crashed down on me the past few days. Between work, rehearsal, the weather, and the Steelers losing, I’ve hit a low. And poor Rick was in the middle of it. I can put up a good front for the kids, but Rick always looks at me and wants to know “What’s wrong?” I don’t like to talk about “what’s wrong.” I don’t want to think about “what’s wrong.” Just let me cry and get it out, and then I’ll go back to normal. Because if I think about the stress that I’m under on a daily basis, and the things that are pissing me off, I’ll be angry and crying for a good long time. And that will just stress me out more, a gigantic never-ending cycle. Just let me blow off a little steam, and then go back to putting one foot in front of the other.
I don’t like crying. It’s easier to hold everything in, keep it under control. Because when I burst into tears, it’s hard to get back on track. It throws me. For days afterwards, little things can make me cry. Last night my subway line wasn’t working, so I had to go wait in the cold for a bus. And then walk about 6 blocks home from the bus stop through unplowed streets and sidewalks when I was already freezing. I cried. After the Steelers lost, I cried. And then I heard that Jerome Bettis (my favorite Steeler, hands down) is considering retiring, and I cried. Poor guy hasn’t made it to the Super Bowl yet because he’s stuck with the Steelers. And he’s good, one of the best players out there. He deserves a shot at the Super Bowl. After the game, I watched Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and I cried again, because I could totally see myself snapping at someone like Vivi does because she’s just overwhelmed. It’s insane. I’m insane. Something’s insane.
Today my subway is still out of commission, and I have no other way to get to work (my friends call this living in “F Exile”), so I’m home. I’ve been chatting with Lori, watching TV, and knitting. Feeling a little better. But I’m still at the point where if something doesn’t go according to plan (as something didn’t this morning in a conversation with Rick), I cry. I know it’s stupid, but it’s annoying the fuck out of me. I’m tired of crying. I just want to put one foot in front of the other again. Maybe I’ll got make lunch. That’ll be something to focus on.
Sorry for the ramble, kids. Next time will be better, I hope.
