How to give a cat medicine April 18, 2005 ~ 3:03 pm
Posted by Julie in : Daily Grind , comments closed
What the hell, it’s sunny out. Icicles, Woodstock, NY.
In several easy steps.
1.) Pet the cat, telling him what a good boy he is. Note that he is still purring. That will come to a screeching halt as you…
2.) Kneel over him, trying to give him a pill coated with butter (to make it go down easier). Open his mouth.
3.) Retract fingers from the gaping maw of death. Note that butter has made the pill stick to his whiskers rather than go down his throat. Tell him again what a good cat he is.
4.) Try again. Ignore that he is snapping like an alligator and fighting you like a wildcat. Get pill in his mouth.
5.) Cat promptly spits out pill because he didn’t swallow it. Get new pill, try again. Good kitty.
6.) Cat by this point will have clawed you to bits. Get towel, bundle him up, try again.
7.) Succeed in getting approximately half the pill down his throat. Take count of remaining pills in envelope, decide he will need them for the rest of the week. Ignore foam dripping from mouth, as apparently this is a reaction that all medicine will cause. Move onto liquid medicine. Speak in a calm, low voice, telling him what a nice, brave kitty he is.
8.) Wrap cat in towel again. Wipe off outside of eyedropper so that no extra medicine gets on his tongue. Try to shoot medicine in through side of mouth.
9.) Discover that the side of his mouth doesn’t exist as he has figured out a way to lock his jaw tighter than a new prison inmate’s ass on his first trip to the showers.
10.) Reposition cat in towel. Tell him what a good kitty he is.
11.) Remove hand from gaping jaws of death, because the nice kitty has just bitten you.
12.) Rationalize with the cat that you are doing this with his own good, wrestle some more, and try again.
13.) Explain to flying dervish of fur that if he would just hold still, this would be easier. Tell him that he is a very good boy.
14.) Manage to get medicine down his throat. The whole dose. For the first time in three days.
15.) Watch cat begin transformation into Cujo as he staggers around the house, dripping foam from his mouth, with watering eyes.
16.) Tell cat again what a nice kitty he has been. Pay no attention to the fact that your previously sweet kitty is looking at you like he is going to shit on your face the next time you fall asleep.
17.) Take shower, get ready for work. After leaving bathroom, take a paper towel around the apartment cleaning up all the spots where drool has been left by Cujo-kitty. The floor, the couch, the dining room table, on top of your registration for your college reunion.
18.) Call for kitty, shaking treat can. Look in all his favorite hiding spaces. Find him in very back of the closet, hiding from you, horrible person that you are.
19.) Leave treat on floor in front of closet to entice him out, because you cannot leave the closet open while you’re at work, not while he’s in that mood.
20.) When cat finally emerges, shut closet door quickly, pet him, and tell him what a good boy he is.
21.) Leave for work, half an hour late, and calculate how many hours you have until the process has to be repeated this evening, and how many times the process has to be repeated in the next 8 days. Curse your lot in life.
